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dealbreaker:

You Are Bella From Twilight

So, we can’t date because you’re sort of seeing someone? Okay, well maybe we could sort of see each other too? Oh, you’re really into him. That’s cool. If it doesn’t work out, I’d love to- no, I wasn’t implying that you’d break up, I just mean sometimes relationships end. What? Promised to him for eternity? You think you’re going to be together for eternity? Dude, you’re what, like 18? Chances are, you’re going to break up when you go to college. College is basically a reset button for your whole life, and a guarantee that you’re going to be boning a bunch of dudes on some very creaky twin mattresses surrounded by Fight Club posters and weed leaf tapestries. Good luck explaining that to the love of your life via confessional late night Skype session.

Just forget it. Have fun with your sparkly boyfriend. I respect your weird obsession. The way you’re talking about him, the sex must be unbelievable, so I can’t argue with- WHAT. NO SEX? And You barely even kiss each other? And if you have sex, you think it’s going to kill you? What do you do then? STARE AT EACH OTHER IN THE WOODS? You stare longingly at each other while he rattles off lines that sound like they were paraphrased from the Romeo and Juliet Cliff Notes? Yeah, this has staying power written all over it. All I’m saying is, you’re cute, but you don’t know anything about love right now. If you think you’re going to feel this weird stammering, bottom lip biting puppy love thing in 5 years, then you’re living in a fantasy. An elaborately plotted, insufferably boring fantasy sprawling across books and movies, constructed by a very wealthy mormon cat lady. Have a nice life, just don’t call me when you get sick of close range, smoldering eye contact and a lifetime of lady blue-balls.